What am I saying?!

We tackled the dreaded Walmart this morning before my husband left for work. Going anywhere public with children is challenging. Going into a big, bright, crowded megastore with two kids while pregnant is exhausting.

Groceries are (mostly) put away. Husband left for work. My grumpy 4 year old finally grumped himself into a nap. I wrestled with my toddler (while desperately needing to pee as baby brother/womb squatter used my bladder as a trampoline) and carried her to bed.

I am now enjoying some victory trail mix in a Minnie Mouse bowl and revelling in blissful quietness.

I thought I’d take this time to share a few gems from the past 48 hours…

Yesterday:
My husband works as a supervisor at a baby store. We went in to say ‘hi’ to him and pick up a couple of things for Baby F. I had just checked out when Baby F decided he wanted to escape his 9 month womb stint through my bladder.

Me: Please hurry buddy. Mommy really needs to go potty. Don’t stop to look at stuff, just come.

K: (LOUDLY) Mommy, if you pee your underpants in this store, I will be very disappointed in you!

I rushed in with E and let him wait outside the stall door. While in the bathroom I heard him talking to one of my husband’s female coworkers.

K: My mommy is going poop with my sister. How many old are you? I’m 4.

Today:
At Walmart checking out, he noticed a container of flushable wipes.

K: Are those for me? To wipe my booty with? So I don’t get poop all over my underpants?

Me: Yes buddy…

K: Thanks mom! Now I won’t get poop all over me!

Our cashier was amused, as were the people behind us.

Some other fun family one-liners…

Stop spanking that pizza! -Hubby

If you lick me again, you’re going to bed! -Me

My heart is broken because you won’t get me juice. It’s broken forever… -K

Aw, love potty mommy. Love love. -E hugging my leg while I was on the toilet

What are some of your ‘did I just say that’ moments?

E in the outfit she put together. Accessorized with a broom and a lightsaber.

A whirlwind staycation

My family really wanted a vacation this year, but Baby F surprised us. Being 7 months pregnant, having just moved, and transitioning to being a stay at home mom have all put a damper on any long, far, or expensive plans.

We opted for the next best thing- a staycation. We loaded up the kids, ourselves, and my in-laws and traveled a whopping 30 miles to the Gaylord Texan Resort. It was seriously the biggest hotel I’ve ever seen and definitely the biggest place I have stayed.

Look at this place!

The entire middle of this thing is a giant atrium with several restaurants, bars, and lots of fun stuff to look at. It has an indoor pool, an outdoor pool, and a water park. Crazy!

The kids and my mother-in-law walking in the atrium.

My E. She is adorable, but I'm more than a little partial.

This is my favorite picture ever.

View from our room.

The lazy river- my favorite part.

Toddler grotto- complete with a gate to keep them in! (My hubby, MIL, K, and E.)

My big pregnant belly and the kiddos.

Konner told me at the water park that Baby F wanted to “jump out of my mouth and go swimming”. Great imagery bud.

We had a great time. Although, it is a difficult conundrum to be very pregnant at a water park and having to pee frequently… “How do I do this without having to get a wet suit back over this belly?”

E decided to make some cheese and cookie soup when we got home...

If You Give a Mom Some Free Time

If you give a mom some free time, she’ll want to sit and rest.
While she is resting, she’ll notice the toys on the floor.
When picking up toys, it will occur to her that this a great time to check the mail.
In the mail she gets a new diaper. Now she has to prep it.
In the process of prepping she’ll wash all the diapers.
While in the laundry room she’ll notice the sun through the window and decide to to sun/line dry the diapers.
The hot sun will make her tired and she’ll lay on the couch and notice a funky smell.
She’ll, of course, have to clean the couch.
While cleaning the couch, she’ll notice her husband’s sweaty pillow on the floor and will need to wash it.
When going to wash it, she’ll notice it is raining and run to get the diapers.
She’ll wrestle with and yell at the toppled clothes line and drop half the diapers in the wet grass.
She needs to wash diapers again…

If you give a mom free time, she’ll wish for more free time… Or a nap.

Diapers sunning inside because of the rain...

** Inspired by If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

** We made the switch to cloth diapering over this summer and plan to use cloth with Baby F when he arrives. So far it has been great. I enjoy saving the money and cutting down on trash. 🙂

Dream big… While napping.

My parents have one of my nieces for the night and asked if my son could tag along to give her a playmate. So I woke up this morning knowing I’d be down by one child. I was, however, happily surprised when my dad decided to take E as well. I think her charms won Papaw over. (She very sweetly requested her shoes.)

While I love my kids and will miss them by tomorrow, time alone has been rare since the move and my full-time transition to being a stay at home mom. My husband doesn’t leave for work until later this afternoon, so we are looking at several hours of no kids (besides Baby F the womb squatter).

“I can fold laundry without the kids unfolding it!”

“We can take a nap! Or go to the bathroom without anyone else in there.”

“Let’s have a 10th Kingdom marathon.”

Dream big people. Dream big.

My plans for today...

Now what am I going to do with myself once my husband leaves for work? Probably eat oatmeal for supper (followed by ice cream), watch trash TV, fold laundry, and pass out on the couch by 9PM… And it sounds wonderful.

***After posting, we realized E left us a present. Her new favorite hobby is hiding dog food in the oven. Since it has happened a few times now, you’d think we’d check before turning the oven on… You’d be wrong. We forget about how much she enjoys toasting kibble for Miri… Until we turn the oven on to preheat and start getting weird aromas drifting our of the kitchen.

Thanks kid. Have fun with Nonna and Papaw. Please don’t put kibble in their oven!***

Mmm, burned kibble and cinnamon rolls!

The Evolving Mom

I was sitting, watching my kids gleefully run off energy at the play area in our local mall. Earlier that morning we had reached the breaking point of cabin fever. I made the executive decision that getting everyone dressed and loaded in the car was a better option that watching K and E ping pong off all the walls of our house.

I sat and enjoyed the fact that the squishy floors and structures meant they could dive off everything in the enclosure without a trip to the ER. I then noticed a mom with her little boy. She struck up a conversation with me. E and her son are the same age. She held his hand as he climbed up the two steps to the top of the tiny slide. He landed at the bottom with a slight bump.

His mom quickly picked him up and exclaimed, “They really need to put something softer at the bottom!”

About that time E came shooting down the slide and skidded about 3 feet. She giggled, picked herself up, and ran off to explore the other things from which to hurl herself. The other mom looked on in horror and stopped talking to me.

I will not for a second claim that all first time moms are scared or this uppity- many many are not. However, I get the whole “wait until you have another” mantra by which moms of two or more swear.

I get it.

You just don’t fret the “padding” as much the second time around. You don’t have the time or energy. You no longer rush to sanitize everything that hits the ground. (She played in the toilet this morning- drinking out of a sippy cup that hit the freshly vacuumed floor can’t be that bad.)

It isn’t that moms with multiple children don’t care about their kids… They just choose their battles. When you have one, they become everything. You can really focus on all the tiny things. I did it with K too.

I don’t yet know how different three will be from two. I’ve been told that I will be outnumbered. I’ve been told that anything past two kiddos is more of the same. My older sister, a mom of four, said that some days she hits a point of not caring what her brood is up to, short of getting blood on the carpet or burning down the house.

Who knows. We are on an adventure. We will grow and evolve and see where this takes us.

I can hope that this adventure will eventually lead to more sleep, but I’m pretty sure that would be a pipe dream.

Those Pesky Storks

I have a confession: I am a snarky sarcastic person. I come by it naturally. My family is full of sarcastic southern women. In Texas “bless your heart” is the southern lady way of calling you dumb. The poor men in our lives never stood a chance.

My dad is notoriously bad about forgetting to signal and after being teased one day by my mom and little sister about this, he decided to announce that he had actually used his turn signal. Without skipping a beat my sister replied, “Do you want a sticker?”

In an effort to not be a jerk and live up to my goal of choosing love, I try to reign in my remarks. They still jump into my head but I really do try to use my filter on what escapes my lips…

Pregnancy hormones are not helping my desire to be a nice person. Pregnancy hormones and the fact that my jeans are already too tight to button are contributing to a fast growing hole in the filter between my brain and mouth.

We’ve had several (well-meaning perfectly nice) people tell us we need to “figure out what causes that” in reference to our third pregnancy. I know they think they are being sweet or funny but my snarky pregnant brain comes up with three possible responses:

We have this pesky stork infestation. I think we need to spray.

You know, we’ve been married for five years but I’m still fuzzy on the details. Could you explain it to me?

I’m told, barring turkey basters, medical intervention, or immaculate conception, that it is usually sex. Sexy baby making sex.

So far none of those responses have made it past my filter but it is becoming very tempting!

In other Miller news:
E has enough hair for tiny pigtails now!

And my kids have discovered the joys of playing dress-up.

K got his Captain America outfit for Christmas and has worn it so much that it is getting runs and holes. E got several dresses for Christmas as well. K has decided that she is “Princess Thor”.

To Infinity and Beyond

I was cleaning the living room and suddenly I heard wailing from the kids bathroom. K runs out clearly distressed with wet hands.

Picture a sobbing 3 year old telling this story.

“I don’t ba-weeve it! I just don’t ba-weeve dis! Buzz is gone!”

“What happened?”

“Buzz flushed down the toilet!”

“Your little Buzz Lightyear?”

“Yes!! I don’t ba-weeve it. He’s goooooone!!!”

“Why was Buzz in the toilet?”

“He flew in there and I flushed it. I don’t ba-weeve it!”

“Why did you flush him?”

“Because I tried to catch him but he was goooone!”

“You flushed it and then tried to catch him? You stuck your hands in the potty?”

“Yes, but I missed him and he’s gone! I don’t ba-weeve it!”

We scrubbed down his hands and had a long conversation about what goes in the toilet and what doesn’t. Later I caught him talking to his toy…

“Hi Power Ranger Guy. I will play with you because you are a toy. I won’t flush you down the toilet because you aren’t pee. I promise.”

He cracks me up. It was heart breaking and hilarious at the same time. It was a very small action figure but I refused to flush that toilet again until Andy was home. I wasn’t taking any chances on Buzz bringing back unspeakable horrors from the beyond.

Thank you all for being patient with me this week. My grandma is in the hospital. E is teething. The internet is having issues. We have practices and family events out the wazoo. We are working on cabinets for the “Old House”. I’m also making almost all our gifts at home this year. I promise I’ll catch up on reading all your amazing blogs soon! Here are a few pictures from the past couple weeks…

E with seven bows on her head:

K and E visiting the big man in red:

My sweet niece’s birthday:

The car show:

Making cool crayons:

Have a blessed holiday season! I’ll be on when possible. I love Christmas but I think I need a holiday from the holiday season.

Mama’s Big Girl Panties

I’ve mentioned K’s bathroom hijinks and habits in previous posts. That kid is convinced that I don’t need to go to the bathroom by myself ever. We do have locks but they sometimes don’t work well.

Best case scenario is that the lock holds and I have a 3 year old and 1 year old banging drum solos, singing to me, and sticking their fingers under the door while I try to relieve myself.

It actually reminds me of almost every horror movie I’ve ever seen. Although, instead of a blood thirsty monster breaking in on a hapless heroine, it is milk thirsty little cookie monsters trying to reach their bedraggled mother with demands. K always decides that when mom goes potty is the exact moment he must have a drink. (Has someone been doing weird Pavlovian experiments on my son?!)

A few weeks ago I was trying to be productive catch my breath while the kids were napping. I went to the bathroom with the expectation of actually having five minutes to myself. (Oh hindsight…)

Did I mention K has ninja abilities?

“Mom, I’m firsty! Hey, are you wearing a diaper in your big girl panties? What is that? Did you poop yourself? That’s yucky!”

No words.

I’d like to say that I calmly explained some version of “the story” to my inquisitive ninja 3 year old. I’d love to tell you that I was mature and serene and intelligent. That I knew exactly what to say. I’d really like to, but I can’t…

“I will give you a piece of your Halloween candy and some juice when I get done if you will go to the living room and stay there.”

Someday mama will put on her big girl panties and explain lady things to her son. This was not that day. He knows babies grow in their mama’s tummies and that boys and girls have different parts. He knows what a bra is. But I’m not explaining mommy diapers for a while.

For the Moms and Dads

For all the moms and dads:

Go watch this. I laughed so so much.

To-Do Lists

As a mom I always have a mental to-do list. I rarely write it down, but most days it would look something like this:

1. Laundry (Folding?)- in progress
2. Pull out things for dinner
3. Keep children alive
4. Vacuum the living room
5. Lunch
6. Vacuum again
7. Get both kids to nap
8. Clean while kids nap
9. Shower?
10. Pee alone
11. Give up on 6-10 and spend 2 hours getting K to nap. E will pop up when K goes to sleep.
12. Count the minutes until Daddy gets home.

I started wondering today what my kids’ to-do lists would look like. So far this morning I would guess something like this:

E’s to-do list:
1. Climb on every piece of furniture.
2. Hide from mommy and poop.
3. Crawl between the chair and the wall despite mommy’s protest.
4. Cry when I get stuck behind the chair.
5. Try to rip the blinds down. (Thwarted by mommy)
6. Make brother scream by Sitting on him and kissing him.
7. Watch mommy pull her hair out and giggle- in progress

K’s to-do list:
1. Rise before the sun.
2. Wake everyone up.
3. Beg for cereal.
4. Cry because I really wanted waffles.
5. Follow mommy to the bathroom and sing to her. Ignore her pleas for me to leave.
6. Avoid getting tackled by sister.
7. Whine because sister tackled me and licked me.
8. Pull every blanket out of my room and the blanket basket in the living room.
9. Try to use the one blanket mommy is using.
10. Talk loudly while mommy tries to get sister to nap.

E kissing/licking brother:

It has been a long morning. Only an hour until Daddy gets home from work. (It is his short day.)