Coming out of the darkness

It has been far too long. So much has happened. My new pregnancy is now in the third trimester and we are having a boy. We finally moved into the “old house”. K is now a 4 year old. E is a busy almost 2 year old. I am now a full-time stay at home/work at home mom.

All great things and beautiful things, but I have struggled with writing them down. I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and depression several months after E was born. When Baby F (his new distinction) was conceived, I had to get off the medication that had helped me battle the ‘stress in my shoulder blades’ and feelings of dread.

My anxiety is not completely out of control or severe in comparison with many, but it seems like this pregnancy has been very hard. Everything seems too loud and bright and I often feel grey in a world of Technicolor. I would begin to write and lose the words. I kept telling myself that I would write soon, but I looked up today and realized it had been almost 5 months. I’ve been too stressed to do one of the things that helped me deal with stress in the first place.

Well, I’m back. I found words again today. Hopefully that is a good sign that I am starting to get a grip on normal, or at least adjusting to my new normal. Everything is going well with Baby F. I am anemic and often tired, but healthy overall. My sweet husband has been an amazing help in all this. I have days where I question my ability to be a mom of three, but God has been reminding me that he brought me here, to this place in life, for a reason.

I’m hoping to begin reading my favorite blogs again soon too. I’ve missed your voices, ideas, and stories- but reading them reminded me of my failure to write.

Much Love,
Mama Miller

Our old house.

E and K on the 4th.

Our new addition, Miri the big red dog.

Baby Bump

Oh the tears…

It is amazing how much you forget about being pregnant until you go through it again.

Sudden desire to sleep on back even though you aren’t supposed to when pregnant.

Lacking ability to hold in urine and sneeze at the same time.

Crying over everything.

Oh my, the crying. It shouldn’t surprise me by #3, but man it did. The lovely emotional roller coaster hit hard this morning.

Things that had me tearing up or crying today:
•A friend’s son had a seizure yesterday.
•I was up all night with K.
•The toilet paper roll was empty.
•We were out of Dr. Pepper.
•Thinking about how beautiful my kids are.
•E putting her hand in the toilet.
•K drinking out of my water.
•My mom bought me maternity jeans.
•I saw someone cry on a TV show.
•I couldn’t find my other shoe.
•I wanted cereal but all the bowls were in the running dishwasher.
•There was a picture of a kitty on FaceBook.
•I thought about Downton Abbey.
•I breathed.
•Sitting there.
•Having 5 minutes alone.
•My phone buzzing during my 5 minutes alone.
•Realizing it is ridiculous to cry over half the things that I cried about today.
•Making this list.

It has been a ridiculous day.

Don’t get me wrong, it really wasn’t a bad day. I just want to throw this out there for the pregnant moms.

Yes, crying over having to find tp is silly, but it is ok. Soldier on and don’t let it disparage you. Growing a human is hard, emotional work.

I absolutely love the pregnancy meltdown scene in What to Expect When You’re Expecting. It is so funny and true.

I also love how they refer to the perfect pregnant lady as a “magical pregnancy unicorn”. Don’t let the unicorn moms get you down. You are normal- cankles, hemorrhoids, and all.

Those Pesky Storks

I have a confession: I am a snarky sarcastic person. I come by it naturally. My family is full of sarcastic southern women. In Texas “bless your heart” is the southern lady way of calling you dumb. The poor men in our lives never stood a chance.

My dad is notoriously bad about forgetting to signal and after being teased one day by my mom and little sister about this, he decided to announce that he had actually used his turn signal. Without skipping a beat my sister replied, “Do you want a sticker?”

In an effort to not be a jerk and live up to my goal of choosing love, I try to reign in my remarks. They still jump into my head but I really do try to use my filter on what escapes my lips…

Pregnancy hormones are not helping my desire to be a nice person. Pregnancy hormones and the fact that my jeans are already too tight to button are contributing to a fast growing hole in the filter between my brain and mouth.

We’ve had several (well-meaning perfectly nice) people tell us we need to “figure out what causes that” in reference to our third pregnancy. I know they think they are being sweet or funny but my snarky pregnant brain comes up with three possible responses:

We have this pesky stork infestation. I think we need to spray.

You know, we’ve been married for five years but I’m still fuzzy on the details. Could you explain it to me?

I’m told, barring turkey basters, medical intervention, or immaculate conception, that it is usually sex. Sexy baby making sex.

So far none of those responses have made it past my filter but it is becoming very tempting!

In other Miller news:
E has enough hair for tiny pigtails now!

And my kids have discovered the joys of playing dress-up.

K got his Captain America outfit for Christmas and has worn it so much that it is getting runs and holes. E got several dresses for Christmas as well. K has decided that she is “Princess Thor”.