Mama Miller Parenting

Passionate parenting and homemaking.

Types of nap waking…

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Nap-time is a glorious hour in any parent’s day. A much earned break from constant noise and demands. And they are so cute while they’re sleeping.

Unfortunately, not all naps are created equally. How your child acts when they wake up can greatly vary from nap to nap. So, here is my handy guide to the types of nap waking you may experience…

1. The Cuddler
This is when your waking child becomes a snuggle bunny as they wake. Hugs and kisses abound. It is like a unicorn frolicked through to fart happiness on their dreams. This is probably the best waking mood.

2. The Grump
If your child wakes in a foul mood and closely resembles you when you haven’t had your morning coffee, you have a grump. Everything you say will be met with grunts and nothing will please them.

3. The Crier
This is like a grump doing a Niagara Falls impression. Every you do will lead to tears. A sibling looks at them? Tears. You give them the juice they asked for? Tears. The sky is blue? Tears. Everything will be tragic.

4. The Cyclone
Do they wake and immediately tear into a frenzy of motion that could rival Speedy Gonzales on uppers? Is there copious amounts of spinning, twirling, jumping, climbing, and/or running? Fits of laughter over jokes that only they get?

5. The Jekyll/Hyde or Bipolar Baby
This one hits all the above waking types within the span of five minutes. Crying and clinging. Kisses and hugs. Yelling and tantrums. Spinning and giggling. And repeat.

6. The Up All Night
Sometimes parenting comes with horrible, hard choices. No, I’m not talking about vaccinations, car seats, or schooling. The ultimate conundrum happens when they fight napping too long. Perhaps you had an event or were out. Maybe they are just wired. Either way it is past the time frame they can nap without being up too late after. Do you suffer through several more hours of craziness and tantrums until it is late enough for an early bedtime, or let them nap and risk being up all night? Don’t be fooled, it is a no-win situation.

7. The Power Napper
Another classic no-win situation. It can happen anywhere; in the car, out and about, or even at home. Your child napped, but only for about five minutes. This does not bode well for you. This gives them a temporary energy boost, but not enough rest to be mood stabilizing in the long run. Avoiding this is the reason parents will sometimes read a book in the car to keep from waking the child by moving them into the house. It is why you will bribe your four year old with candy not to touch or even look at your two year old while they sleep. It is why you will contemplate peeing on yourself rather than risking moving them off your lap to go to the restroom.

I’m not saying I have any sound advice on any of these, but it is fun to give them a name. Super helpful, right? 😛

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Domestically Impared

I absolutely adore being a stay at home mom. It is by far the hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I’m good with wiping noses and bottoms. Tantrums suck, but they happen.

Am I a good mom? Eh, overall I do ok.

A good wife? I try.

But a domestic goddess I am not.

My perfect housekeeping gene is broken. I’m domestically impaired. I keep a decently clean house, but I will never have my home on the cover of Good Housekeeping.

It is okay. I have other talents. I’ve made peace with the toys on the floor. (One day my children will call when their foot is impaled by a Lego one of their kids left out… And I’ll smile.) I’m not going to fret over my bookshelf being jumbled. (It will just get jumbled again.)

If you are a domestic goddess, I applaud you. I’m glad you are using your talent. Keep on scrubbing and changing decorations to fit the seasons and creating elaborate lunch box dioramas for your kids’ lunches. (That is what you do, right?)

This post is for the rest of us. For those who don’t care about “Tablescapes” or “Perfect Parsnip Soup”.

I submit for approval from my domestically challenged sisters my idea for a new magazine: Mediocre Housekeeping.
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Article ideas:

How to Avoid Your Home Looking Like an Episode of Hoarders

Best Deodorants: When you haven’t had a shower in three days and may be harboring cereal fugitives in your hair

Strategies for Peeing Alone: A guide to getting 5 minutes a day to urinate in peace

How to Have Adequate “Adult Time” When the Baby Will Wake Any Minute: It won’t knock his socks off, but it’ll do.

I am covered in sleeping kids and I have to pee. What now?

Surviving the Tantrum: When your child collapses in the bread aisle.

How many days can I wear these yoga pants before I need to wash them?

Where are Max and Ruby’s parents? An investigation.

A Guide to Period Panties

Breastfeeding Etiquette: Just deal with it or look away.

Getting three kids and a dog into the car

Where do all the socks go?

Yep… I’d read that magazine.

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Those Pesky Storks

I have a confession: I am a snarky sarcastic person. I come by it naturally. My family is full of sarcastic southern women. In Texas “bless your heart” is the southern lady way of calling you dumb. The poor men in our lives never stood a chance.

My dad is notoriously bad about forgetting to signal and after being teased one day by my mom and little sister about this, he decided to announce that he had actually used his turn signal. Without skipping a beat my sister replied, “Do you want a sticker?”

In an effort to not be a jerk and live up to my goal of choosing love, I try to reign in my remarks. They still jump into my head but I really do try to use my filter on what escapes my lips…

Pregnancy hormones are not helping my desire to be a nice person. Pregnancy hormones and the fact that my jeans are already too tight to button are contributing to a fast growing hole in the filter between my brain and mouth.

We’ve had several (well-meaning perfectly nice) people tell us we need to “figure out what causes that” in reference to our third pregnancy. I know they think they are being sweet or funny but my snarky pregnant brain comes up with three possible responses:

We have this pesky stork infestation. I think we need to spray.

You know, we’ve been married for five years but I’m still fuzzy on the details. Could you explain it to me?

I’m told, barring turkey basters, medical intervention, or immaculate conception, that it is usually sex. Sexy baby making sex.

So far none of those responses have made it past my filter but it is becoming very tempting!

In other Miller news:
E has enough hair for tiny pigtails now!

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And my kids have discovered the joys of playing dress-up.

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K got his Captain America outfit for Christmas and has worn it so much that it is getting runs and holes. E got several dresses for Christmas as well. K has decided that she is “Princess Thor”.

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To Infinity and Beyond

I was cleaning the living room and suddenly I heard wailing from the kids bathroom. K runs out clearly distressed with wet hands.

Picture a sobbing 3 year old telling this story.

“I don’t ba-weeve it! I just don’t ba-weeve dis! Buzz is gone!”

“What happened?”

“Buzz flushed down the toilet!”

“Your little Buzz Lightyear?”

“Yes!! I don’t ba-weeve it. He’s goooooone!!!”

“Why was Buzz in the toilet?”

“He flew in there and I flushed it. I don’t ba-weeve it!”

“Why did you flush him?”

“Because I tried to catch him but he was goooone!”

“You flushed it and then tried to catch him? You stuck your hands in the potty?”

“Yes, but I missed him and he’s gone! I don’t ba-weeve it!”

We scrubbed down his hands and had a long conversation about what goes in the toilet and what doesn’t. Later I caught him talking to his toy…

“Hi Power Ranger Guy. I will play with you because you are a toy. I won’t flush you down the toilet because you aren’t pee. I promise.”

He cracks me up. It was heart breaking and hilarious at the same time. It was a very small action figure but I refused to flush that toilet again until Andy was home. I wasn’t taking any chances on Buzz bringing back unspeakable horrors from the beyond.

Thank you all for being patient with me this week. My grandma is in the hospital. E is teething. The internet is having issues. We have practices and family events out the wazoo. We are working on cabinets for the “Old House”. I’m also making almost all our gifts at home this year. I promise I’ll catch up on reading all your amazing blogs soon! Here are a few pictures from the past couple weeks…

E with seven bows on her head:

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K and E visiting the big man in red:

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My sweet niece’s birthday:

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The car show:

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Making cool crayons:

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Have a blessed holiday season! I’ll be on when possible. I love Christmas but I think I need a holiday from the holiday season.

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Mama’s Big Girl Panties

I’ve mentioned K’s bathroom hijinks and habits in previous posts. That kid is convinced that I don’t need to go to the bathroom by myself ever. We do have locks but they sometimes don’t work well.

Best case scenario is that the lock holds and I have a 3 year old and 1 year old banging drum solos, singing to me, and sticking their fingers under the door while I try to relieve myself.

It actually reminds me of almost every horror movie I’ve ever seen. Although, instead of a blood thirsty monster breaking in on a hapless heroine, it is milk thirsty little cookie monsters trying to reach their bedraggled mother with demands. K always decides that when mom goes potty is the exact moment he must have a drink. (Has someone been doing weird Pavlovian experiments on my son?!)

A few weeks ago I was trying to be productive catch my breath while the kids were napping. I went to the bathroom with the expectation of actually having five minutes to myself. (Oh hindsight…)

Did I mention K has ninja abilities?

“Mom, I’m firsty! Hey, are you wearing a diaper in your big girl panties? What is that? Did you poop yourself? That’s yucky!”

No words.

I’d like to say that I calmly explained some version of “the story” to my inquisitive ninja 3 year old. I’d love to tell you that I was mature and serene and intelligent. That I knew exactly what to say. I’d really like to, but I can’t…

“I will give you a piece of your Halloween candy and some juice when I get done if you will go to the living room and stay there.”

Someday mama will put on her big girl panties and explain lady things to her son. This was not that day. He knows babies grow in their mama’s tummies and that boys and girls have different parts. He knows what a bra is. But I’m not explaining mommy diapers for a while.

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For the Moms and Dads

For all the moms and dads:

Go watch this. I laughed so so much.

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To-Do Lists

As a mom I always have a mental to-do list. I rarely write it down, but most days it would look something like this:

1. Laundry (Folding?)- in progress
2. Pull out things for dinner
3. Keep children alive
4. Vacuum the living room
5. Lunch
6. Vacuum again
7. Get both kids to nap
8. Clean while kids nap
9. Shower?
10. Pee alone
11. Give up on 6-10 and spend 2 hours getting K to nap. E will pop up when K goes to sleep.
12. Count the minutes until Daddy gets home.

I started wondering today what my kids’ to-do lists would look like. So far this morning I would guess something like this:

E’s to-do list:
1. Climb on every piece of furniture.
2. Hide from mommy and poop.
3. Crawl between the chair and the wall despite mommy’s protest.
4. Cry when I get stuck behind the chair.
5. Try to rip the blinds down. (Thwarted by mommy)
6. Make brother scream by Sitting on him and kissing him.
7. Watch mommy pull her hair out and giggle- in progress

K’s to-do list:
1. Rise before the sun.
2. Wake everyone up.
3. Beg for cereal.
4. Cry because I really wanted waffles.
5. Follow mommy to the bathroom and sing to her. Ignore her pleas for me to leave.
6. Avoid getting tackled by sister.
7. Whine because sister tackled me and licked me.
8. Pull every blanket out of my room and the blanket basket in the living room.
9. Try to use the one blanket mommy is using.
10. Talk loudly while mommy tries to get sister to nap.

E kissing/licking brother:

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It has been a long morning. Only an hour until Daddy gets home from work. (It is his short day.)

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Bonsai Baby Butt Bomb

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This picture really says it all.

This was not a fluke or some rare occurrence. E really does enjoy sitting on her brother. Poor K doesn’t stand a chance. If he tries to tackle and wrestle with her, she comes back ten fold. That little girl can take her big brother down.

Her signature move is waiting for K to lay down on the floor and plopping down on his head. Daddy has lovingly named this move the Bonsai Baby Butt Bomb.

She doesn’t do anything maliciously though. She is just a tough little cookie. She gleefully climbs all over everyone with a big smile. Watching them fills me with a sense of pride in her toughness and pity for K. I can already see her becoming skilled in the art of brother pestering.

Daddy, Poppy, and Papaw don’t stand a chance either… I can already picture her looking up at her dad or grandpas with those big blue eyes and watching them turn to putty in her little hands.

Daddy says we are going to lock her away when she hits puberty and arrange a marriage to one of our friends’ boys…

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Parenting Truths: Part 1

A few observations from this week and life in general.

1. The preteen girl section at Target looks like bedazzled pole dancer wear. I’m scared of E growing out of the little girl section.

2. Little girl clothes are amazing because when the dresses get too short they become shirts. Pants turn into capris too. When boy clothes get too short, they look like ragamuffins and make you feel like the worst mom ever.

3. Kids in footie pjs are the cutest thing ever. I especially love E in them with her cockatoo hair after taking her bow out.

4. Seeing a baby in footie pjs with a big visible load in their pants is surprisingly more hilarious than gross.

5. My kids are unable to poop quietly… unless we are about to go somewhere. If we are about to leave I won’t know until just before trying to load the car. If we are in public everyone in a 5 mile radius will know.

6. People telling me to cherish every moment makes me angry. I know they mean well, but better (and more realistic) advice for a mom is to cherish your children each day. Relish each stage of development and appreciate your little people. If you choose not to cherish being bone tired, covered in poop, and and one tantrum away from a personal meltdown, you are not a bad mom- you’re human.

7. My daughter turns into a crazy mix of super sweet and super rough when she is sleepy. Kisses abound but I often get my glasses yanked off.

8. Little girls cultivate a love of shoes early. E is our little shoe thief and gets mad if a pair isn’t for her.

9. You have to have a sense of humor to be a parent. I can’t imagine making it day to day without being able to laugh at kid antics, gross happenings, and my own failures.

10. There really is a huge attitude shift from the first to the second child. I am so much more laid back about things with E than I was with K as a baby. Poor first kids will always be the experimental kid.

The sleepy cockatoo:

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Kid Humor v. Parent Humor

I find my kids to be hilarious. They also fancy themselves (and Daddy and Mommy) to be hilarious. However, what I find funny and what they find funny are very very different.

Things I find funny:
•K telling me our bank is called Bank of Captain America.
•E body slamming her big brother. (She finds it funny too but he doesn’t.)
•K singing “Soft Kitty” or saying “Bazinga”.
•Kids dancing. (Any kid. Low coordination + cuteness + dance moves = pure hilarity)
•K talking to the things we pass in the car using different voices.
•E trying to pick up a ball but accidentally kicking it away when she bends over to get it.
•The kids falling asleep in strange places.
•The way K says “yes I mam!” instead of “yes I am”.

Things my kids find funny:
•Watching mommy chase them out of the bathroom holding a towel around her while conditioner runs into her eyes.
•Rolling and giggling while mommy changes a poo diaper.
•Daddy’s exasperated plea for them to stay seated in the bathtub.
•Tooting, someone else tooting, or any talk of tooting.
•Shoving the baby monitor antenna in mommy’s mascara and painting sister with it.
•Splashing in the toilet.
•Trying to pick mommy’s nose when she is sleeping.
•Emus. K cracks up at the word and pictures of the silly birds.

Things grandparents find funny:
•Watching your kids chasten your grandkids for doing the exact same things they used to do.
•Pretty much everything the grandchildren do.

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